You would think after being a Mom for 16 1/2 years to seven kids, I would know better. After today, I have been proven wrong.
There have been a few things regarding our move to Utah that I have been wishy-washy about. One of those things was whether we should allow our oldest to stay with his girlfriend’s parents, finish school here and then come visit us during summers and the holidays’. I was wishy-washy because no parent wants to ever make that decision. I had to weigh pros and cons and work it all out in my head. Unfortunately, I express my opinions supporting both sides of the argument out loud for the world to hear. The expression is known as “Thinking out loud!” I do this with just about everything and it always ends up with people being confused about what I’m saying. They think I’m giving them an answer to their questions when in fact I’m just trying to work it out. This can lead to a lot of confusion, arguments and people’s feelings getting hurt in the process.
After a lot of the above going on for about two weeks, I ended up with everyone (except Hubs because he knows how I work) around me confused as to whether our oldest was staying or going. The truth is, I had no idea what I should do…..that is until today.
Have you ever had that one moment in time, where everything seems to come together and the decision you need to make is crystal clear? Well, that wasn’t the way for me today. I would have liked it to be, but it wasn’t so. Instead……the decision became crystal clear after lots of crying and yelling and screaming, doors slamming, things being thrown, insults being yelled and a ton of text messages being sent through Verizon’s towers. Oh and not much of this was coming from me. I held my cool for the first three hours of the entire four hours that all of this was going on.
I snapped once, laid down the law and sat my butt back in the chair. I knew better than to keep on going. I knew I was starting to get out of control so I stopped engaging in the entire thing. I made up my mind, my decision was made, there was no more war happening. I said cease-fire and everyone did. For awhile….
My intention was and always has been to keep my family together, no matter what it took! Leaving my son behind just wasn’t an option. I knew that from the beginning, but I always second guess myself. I always worry that the decision I’m making is the wrong decision and someone else knows best. This is not so concerning your very own children. You always know best and your first gut decision is most likely the best decision. Unfortunately, I had to hear some pretty disturbing stuff in order to realize this.
From this point on, I will always go with my gut. I will pick which battle is worth fighting for and…..I’ll start journaling my thoughts instead of “thinking out loud!”
Until next time….