I’ve been talking a lot about depression lately. This is not because I am depressed, but because I am not depressed. I am on the outside of depression. I can view it objectively, examine it from all sides, turn it around and poke holes in it. I can see where I went wrong with not catching myself before I slipped and I can come up with a plan on how to combat it the next time I feel myself slipping. Whether that plan works is still yet to be determined, but I have learned a few things.
The entire move has brought on a lot of discouragement. I know if I can battle through this phase of depression, then the hopelessness and worthlessness will dissipate. When I begin getting discouraged about a certain situation, I’ve been using my Hubs and my Dad to keep me in check. To be honest, my Dad isn’t doing a very good job and Hubs has his own thing going on. So, I’ve had to reach out to other sources and see if they can provide any emotional support. If not, then I begin journaling about what’s bothering me, what is discouraging me. I made a list of all the discouraging thoughts or possible discouraging scenarios that could play out once we make this move. Next to that list, I have been writing down all the positives and I’ve been writing phrases that poke holes in the discouraging thoughts. I have this one discouraging thought that keeps plaguing me.
“How am I, a person who suffers from Bipolar supposed to live with two people who don’t even know, let alone understand what Bipolar is? How am I supposed to explain to them something that neither of them really want to accept as fact?”
The only solid answer I can come up with is this, “It doesn’t really matter. I do suffer from Bipolar, but whatever anyone else thinks or doesn’t think is not on me, it’s on them. I will take as much responsibility for myself and the rest is up to them. I do not expect anyone else to change to suit me so therefore no one else should expect me to change. And who knows, maybe living with them won’t be as difficult as I think it will be.” End of story.
I am not doing this move for anyone else except my family. I want my husband to have a good job, something he can’t find here. I want my children to go to good schools, something we don’t have here, I want our financial situation to get better, something that hasn’t happened here and I want my children to be raised around family who love and care about them, something they do not have here. And…..I want to not be depressed all the time because of those things named above.
Sometimes we have to take that giant leap of faith in order to overcome the things that keep us stuck in deep depression. There are many things that can contribute: Life’s stressors, change, stress, financial difficulties, divorce, separations, death of someone close to us, season changes and sometimes……nothing at all. Sometimes we get depressed just because and there is no reason for it.
I encourage you that when you are well, to please take a look back over your episodes. Whether they be depression, mania or a mix of both. See if you can see a pattern on how things have played out for you. Next time, when you feel yourself slipping into an episode you will be able to gauge where you are and what you can do to combat the symptoms you are having. It doesn’t matter the order in how your symptoms represent themselves as long as you know what those symptoms are, what phase of the episode you are in, with those things in mind, you can come up with ways to stomp it into the ground.
It’s hard work! But I think fighting through depression or teetering between hypo and mixed is even harder. I’d much rather fight with armor and weapons then fight with my bare hands.
Until next time…