My parents’ had no religion to speak of. I guess my Dad was raised Catholic and my Mom Methodist, but there was no practiced religion going on in my home growing up. That said, they must have felt I needed a religious foundation because they sent me every weekend to my religious, fanatic of an Aunt’s house. It was here that I got more than my fair share of the Catholic religion. She took me to church every Sunday, had me baptized at the age of 7 and made sure I attended CCD classes every week.
I hated it! It was boring and all I ever got out of it was to fear God. No matter what I did, it was never going to save me and I was damned to eternal hell. Cutting my losses, I lived a chaotic, crazy, risk filled life throughout my teenage years. I mean, what was the point of doing anything differently, I was going to burn anyway.
About 6 months after my oldest was born, I sat down and actually read what the Bible had to say and boy was I in for a surprise. Everything that I had been taught was a big, fat lie. According to what I read, God wasn’t someone to be feared, but to love and that He loved us back…..unconditionally. It was around this time that I “gave” my heart to God and began living the Christian life. This was also the beginning of me getting sucked into a new form of the religion where not trusting Him with my womb showed lack of faith and therefore was a sin (just as big of a lie as God is someone to fear). As a result of what I had gone through, years later I ditched God all together. I wasn’t about to get any of it right, God had turned His back on me, cursed me with Bipolar Disorder and kicked me to the curb.
Wanna know something funny? As soon as I started to believe that, my illness got the best of me. I spent more and more of my time in deep depression or in a rageful mixed state. I hated my life and what had become of my once sane mind. I hated God for what He had done to me, I turned my back and walked the other way, dipping deeper and deeper into depression.
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That was about a year ago and since then I started praying again. Last week I had some really damaging life events take place and I began to curse God out! I yelled at Him, blamed Him, had a pity party, cried, begged, pleaded, even went as far as to dare Him to prove Himself to me……never once having faith that He would even begin to try. I gave up, rolled over, went to sleep, defeated!
The next morning, those potentially, life damaging events turned around into my favor. Hubs pay was increased and the lost debit card was magically replaced….what had been done was undone and not by human hands. I firmly believe it was done not because God wanted to prove His existence, but because He wanted to prove something even deeper to me.
That He’s ALWAYS been there for me, it was me that turned my back on Him. Believe me, it’s not a mistake I will ever make again. I hope that you can find it in your heart to accept Him as He has always accepted you!
Until next time…..
Becca
that was beautiful. yes, god is always with us, and even i have turned my back on him when i have been pained, but i have learned through my own errors, that god is the only way
I wish there was a love it button for your comment
I just hope if things ever go south with me again that I remember how much He is there for me!