In short simple terms……AMAZING! There truly is no feeling like it and I don’t think one really knows they are stable until it hits you right in the face.
The last few weeks have been extremely stressful and even more so over the past few days. We are currently living with my brother (my dad lives in his camper outside so that helps me out A LOT!). When my brother works days there really isn’t much stress. The kids come in and go out, play in the fenced in backyard, we have routine and structure and it works. But this week my brother switched to night shift and with that shift my anxiety began to run high. I stressed over how I was going to keep the kids quiet enough so he could sleep. Working nights is hard enough without 6 (our oldest is in PA right now, so we are down to 6 instead of 7 kiddies) kiddies waking you up.
Last Friday I got the brilliant idea of getting Netflix. I was a little reluctant to spend the extra money, but I figured the kiddies and I could hang out downstairs (where it’s air-conditioned) and watch movies instead of sitting outside in 100 degree weather. Even with this idea, I was still stressing. If you’ve ever been around more than one child at a time you know how loud it can get. All of that said, my brother ensured me that my kids would not bother him. So, with this knowledge and computer in hand, we headed to the basement yesterday after lunch and I waited……the kids did get loud a few times, but all I had to do was remind them that their Uncle was sleeping and we needed to quiet down, they listened and we went back to movie watching. Last night when my brother got up for work, I double checked with him and again he told me he did not hear the kids.
Today was a little different. With my plan in place to spend the hot afternoon sitting in front of the computer, we headed to the basement again. But, last night Macie didn’t sleep well and was up by 5:30am, JP followed soon after her and then the babies woke up. Everyone was crabby and cranky, the heat from the morning was wearing them out and by the time we got inside at 12:30pm they were all pretty loud. It also took a lot more “quiet” yelling from me to get them to settle, but eventually they did and again my brother insisted that my kids were fine. I believe him too. If my kids had woken him he would have gotten up to use the bathroom or something. He wouldn’t have been able to toss and turn listening to kids. He would have had to ask me to quiet them or go outside or something, so after today I’m feeling assured that my children truly are no problem.
But back to my point……
Since the end of May I’ve dealt with a lot of change. A move across country, leaving 98% of our belongings back home, leaving all my friends, leaving my awesome pdoc, leaving everything I have ever known. Moving in with my brother who I haven’t really been all that close to, having my Dad around me all the time (which mind you I haven’t spent any time with in 21 years) and living in a new state, with a new way of living and being slammed back into being a full-time Mommy less than 3 days after we got here.
Had I not been stable or at the very least known how to cope I would have surely been hospitalized. But it wasn’t until tonight that I realized how I felt……all of this going on and I’m handling everything quite well and very calmly. Even when I’m disciplining my children, I’m calm! My heart isn’t racing, I’m not making snap decisions, I’m not snipping at the kids over everything and anything. I’m realizing that they are children and some things can’t be controlled. I’m enjoying my children. Watching them run and play like they should have been able to do all these years……
I’m Mommy and I’m loving it!
But there’s a flip side to this. Not only am I able to be Mommy, but I’m making good decisions for our family. I’m handling the budget again and taking control of our money. I feel responsible and love being back in the role that I took care of for years before I got too sick to even bother. I’m thinking clearer which is helping with the decisions that need to be made. I have ideas, but they aren’t grandiose or out of the norm. They are ideas that are saving us money instead of causing us to spend money. Somewhere in the craziness of the move I managed to remember to pack Gitty’s size 10/12 jeans. Today we tried them all on and they fit her quite nicely. She may need a belt for a few pairs, but they aren’t so big they look stupid. I counted and she has 9 pairs of jeans to start school with and a TON of shirts. She even has a winter coat!! That helped us save a tremendous amount of money! But my point is…..if I was not thinking clearly I’d insist that she needed at least a few pairs of new jeans. That no child can go to school in hand me downs, but not this time! I also found a bunch of consignment shops for us to go for Drew and JP. We also came up with a great idea to give D a prepaid card with some money on it and he can go shopping for himself. I think him knowing he has a set amount and when the money is gone it’s gone will help him learn to be a bit frugal.
I’m living life, I’m making good decisions, I’m enjoying my children, I’m loving my husband, I’m not depressed, I’m not manic, I’m not in a miserable mixed state!
I’m me! If you knew how long it’s been since I’ve been able to say that, how long I have fought to be where I am today you’d agree! It’s time to celebrate! Now I just need to find a cheap, frugal way to do it!
Until next time….