The last few months have taught me a lot. I’ve learned how to manage my illness without the help of other people. When the depressive thoughts would begin to creep in and tell me how worthless I am, I learned how to counter those thoughts. My brain likes to tell me I can’t do things. It likes to make me believe I’m a horrible mother, horrible wife, that I can’t possibly raise my kids the right way because I have this horrible illness that prevents me to do so.
Back in May I believed all those things. I allowed my illness to get the best of me and for the first few weeks of our new move I spent feeling terribly depressed, borderline suicidal. Outside help wasn’t an option. I was not going to allow myself to be hospitalized the first week here in Utah. I was not going to put my family through that kind of hell again….I knew I needed to pull it together and fast. I just wasn’t sure how. I had people in my face for a good 16 hours out of a day. Before when I felt like this, I had been able to go hide in my bedroom and shut the world out. Hubs was there to pick up the pieces I had broken. But this time around, I had no body.
It wasn’t until I found myself having to fight the monster by myself that I realized having Hubs around was the worse thing for me. It enabled me to have a million excuses to not get better. He was always there to pick up whatever broke pieces I left behind and as a result I was not only failing as a wife and mother, but I was losing the battle. Bipolar was winning and I was laying in bed, passively letting it get the best of me. I had no fighting chance of getting better because it was I who was enabling bipolar to take over my brain and create a monster inside of me. This time around, it was bipolar that was going to lose and I was going to be the one to take it down. And guess what? I did just that.
Every time those negative thoughts would creep it, I’d laugh a little to myself and then I’d counter those thoughts. Often my brain tried to tell me I was ruining my children, then I would tick off all the ways that bipolar was wrong.
My oldest knows how to love people and deeply too, he didn’t learn that on his own. It’s a trait he got from me. When I love someone, it’s not just a little, it’s with everything in me. AC is extremely considerate. He was invited to go on a camping trip with his uncle, grandfather and D. Before he left he had to double-check with me a million times that I was going to be okay. Gitty is extremely outgoing and bright. She does not allow her obstacles to stand in her way. She overcomes them much the same way as I overcome mine. JP is energetic and carefree. 4th of July he ran around our yard yelling “Pop! Pop! Pop!” with his arms flapping up and down, enjoying every part of the fireworks. Macie is scary smart. At the age of 4 she can tell time, count to 100, recognize her numbers to 100, spell not only her name and her family members names, but pop, Pap, Spot, Buddy, Coachmen and a few other ones too. She’s beginning to read and knows her address already. Emmie is sweet and loving and smiles all day and Mollie is a complete different baby with ME in control. She sits in her bouncy and enjoys everyone’s company around her. She smiles and coos and crawls and is just another typical Moorestorms baby….none of my children got to be this way because I’m worthless. They got to be this way because I taught them how to be this way. They are every part of good that is in me and depression is stopped right in its tracks when I stare into the little eyes of my children. They are the windows to my soul and they prove to me that I have 7 perfect reasons to keep on fighting.
So, in an effort to keep fighting, my blog may veer a bit. I don’t have the time to pound out 10+ blog posts a day. I’m too busy being mom, sticking to a routine, playing with and loving my children. I’m too busy enjoying the good times, watching my children play for hours outside, cooking meals, changing diapers, cuddling up with them to read them a story, watching a movie with them or going for a walk by myself. I’m too busy talking about our future with my husband, too busy cuddling with him and enjoying our alone time together. Too busy making plans because now Hubs has an awesome job and we can start saving towards the things we need and want. I’m too busy spending time with my Dad and with my brother when he’s not working. I’m too busy putting my positive thoughts into control and stomping out the negative ones.
One thing I’m not too busy for is to tell you how the fight is going. To blog about my day, or something my children had done, a new recipe we tried and liked or hated, to blog about stable life. I may only get one or two blog posts out a night, after my kiddies are tucked into their beds, but I will try to blog daily. It’s my only outlet, my way of journalling and connecting with other’s who battle like I do. It’s through normal, blah, boring daily life that I hope to show other Bipolar Parent’s that life doesn’t have to be in unstable hell. It can be good, it can be peaceful and the storm brewing in your brain can be calmed……it takes drive, it takes desire, it takes coping skills and support and it takes a great med combo, but it CAN be done!
Until next time…..