Gitty

I realize I have not made an update on how Gitty is doing and figured now was as good a time as any.

The move was hard on everyone and if it wasn’t bad enough that I forgot to take my own meds, I forgot to give Gitty her’s two nights in a row when we were stuck in the campground in Nebraska. It took less than 24 hours for her to have a meltdown and I felt horrible for being so irresponsible.

Once we got to Utah though, Gitty seemed to change. There’s little girls’ her age that live next door. When we lived out here five years ago, Gitty and Drew played with them every day. There is a chain link fence that separates their yard from our’s and when the kiddies were younger they would sit at the fence and talk for hours. As soon as the girls’ saw Gitty and Drew it was like old times again. They sat by the fence for hours just chatting and that very first night Gitty and Drew went next door to play Man Hunt. That weekend Gitty spent the night at the girl’s house and they’ve spent every evening together since.

There’s something about being here in Utah. I don’t know if it’s finally knowing we are somewhere that we can get on our feet or if it’s the lifestyle here, but everyone is extremely calm……especially Gitty!

When we got to Utah I realized I didn’t have enough medication for her to make it till Hubs gets his insurance. I began weaning her down on her meds by giving it to her every other day. I didn’t want her to have to deal with withdraw once we ran out. For the last two weeks Gitty has had no medication at all and she’s doing wonderfully. She has not seen or heard anything since we were in Pennsylvania and her last outburst was back at the end of May when we were stuck in Nebraska. She’s calm, quiet and HAPPY! She plays from the time she gets up until she goes to bed. She does her chores without complaining. Gitty is my Gitty again!

I’m secretly hoping that just maybe Gitty got her hands on one of my journals and read what had been going on with me. I’m hoping that in her little mind she thought she wanted to be like me, but didn’t realize what the consequences of being like me was. I’m hoping that whatever it was that she was going through is over and she can return to being my Happy Girl…..yes, I’m hoping!

Until next time…..

Becca ♥

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How does stability feel?

In short simple terms……AMAZING! There truly is no feeling like it and I don’t think one really knows they are stable until it hits you right in the face.

The last few weeks have been extremely stressful and even more so over the past few days. We are currently living with my brother (my dad lives in his camper outside so that helps me out A LOT!). When my brother works days there really isn’t much stress. The kids come in and go out, play in the fenced in backyard, we have routine and structure and it works. But this week my brother switched to night shift and with that shift my anxiety began to run high. I stressed over how I was going to keep the kids quiet enough so he could sleep. Working nights is hard enough without 6 (our oldest is in PA right now, so we are down to 6 instead of 7 kiddies) kiddies waking you up.

Last Friday I got the brilliant idea of getting Netflix. I was a little reluctant to spend the extra money, but I figured the kiddies and I could hang out downstairs (where it’s air-conditioned) and watch movies instead of sitting outside in 100 degree weather. Even with this idea, I was still stressing. If you’ve ever been around more than one child at a time you know how loud it can get. All of that said, my brother ensured me that my kids would not bother him. So, with this knowledge and computer in hand, we headed to the basement yesterday after lunch and I waited……the kids did get loud a few times, but all I had to do was remind them that their Uncle was sleeping and we needed to quiet down, they listened and we went back to movie watching. Last night when my brother got up for work, I double checked with him and again he told me he did not hear the kids.

Today was a little different. With my plan in place to spend the hot afternoon sitting in front of the computer, we headed to the basement again. But, last night Macie didn’t sleep well and was up by 5:30am, JP followed soon after her and then the babies woke up. Everyone was crabby and cranky, the heat from the morning was wearing them out and by the time we got inside at 12:30pm they were all pretty loud. It also took a lot more “quiet” yelling from me to get them to settle, but eventually they did and again my brother insisted that my kids were fine. I believe him too. If my kids had woken him he would have gotten up to use the bathroom or something. He wouldn’t have been able to toss and turn listening to kids. He would have had to ask me to quiet them or go outside or something, so after today I’m feeling assured that my children truly are no problem.

But back to my point……

Since the end of May I’ve dealt with a lot of change. A move across country, leaving 98% of our belongings back home, leaving all my friends, leaving my awesome pdoc, leaving everything I have ever known. Moving in with my brother who I haven’t really been all that close to, having my Dad around me all the time (which mind you I haven’t spent any time with in 21 years) and living in a new state, with a new way of living and being slammed back into being a full-time Mommy less than 3 days after we got here.

Had I not been stable or at the very least known how to cope I would have surely been hospitalized. But it wasn’t until tonight that I realized how I felt……all of this going on and I’m handling everything quite well and very calmly. Even when I’m disciplining my children, I’m calm! My heart isn’t racing, I’m not making snap decisions, I’m not snipping at the kids over everything and anything. I’m realizing that they are children and some things can’t be controlled. I’m enjoying my children. Watching them run and play like they should have been able to do all these years……

I’m Mommy and I’m loving it!

But there’s a flip side to this. Not only am I able to be Mommy, but I’m making good decisions for our family. I’m handling the budget again and taking control of our money. I feel responsible and love being back in the role that I took care of for years before I got too sick to even bother. I’m thinking clearer which is helping with the decisions that need to be made. I have ideas, but they aren’t grandiose or out of the norm. They are ideas that are saving us money instead of causing us to spend money. Somewhere in the craziness of the move I managed to remember to pack Gitty’s size 10/12 jeans. Today we tried them all on and they fit her quite nicely. She may need a belt for a few pairs, but they aren’t so big they look stupid. I counted and she has 9 pairs of jeans to start school with and a TON of shirts. She even has a winter coat!! That helped us save a tremendous amount of money! But my point is…..if I was not thinking clearly I’d insist that she needed at least a few pairs of new jeans. That no child can go to school in hand me downs, but not this time! I also found a bunch of consignment shops for us to go for Drew and JP. We also came up with a great idea to give D a prepaid card with some money on it and he can go shopping for himself. I think him knowing he has a set amount and when the money is gone it’s gone will help him learn to be a bit frugal.

I’m living life, I’m making good decisions, I’m enjoying my children, I’m loving my husband, I’m not depressed, I’m not manic, I’m not in a miserable mixed state!

I’m me! If you knew how long it’s been since I’ve been able to say that, how long I have fought to be where I am today you’d agree! It’s time to celebrate! Now I just need to find a cheap, frugal way to do it!

Until next time….

Becca♥

Religion

My parents’ had no religion to speak of. I guess my Dad was raised Catholic and my Mom Methodist, but there was no practiced religion going on in my home growing up. That said, they must have felt I needed a religious foundation because they sent me every weekend to my religious, fanatic of an Aunt’s house. It was here that I got more than my fair share of the Catholic religion. She took me to church every Sunday, had me baptized at the age of 7 and made sure I attended CCD classes every week.

I hated it! It was boring and all I ever got out of it was to fear God. No matter what I did, it was never going to save me and I was damned to eternal hell. Cutting my losses, I lived a chaotic, crazy, risk filled life throughout my teenage years. I mean, what was the point of doing anything differently, I was going to burn anyway.

About 6 months after my oldest was born, I sat down and actually read what the Bible had to say and boy was I in for a surprise. Everything that I had been taught was a big, fat lie. According to what I read, God wasn’t someone to be feared, but to love and that He loved us back…..unconditionally. It was around this time that I “gave” my heart to God and began living the Christian life. This was also the beginning of me getting sucked into a new form of the religion where not trusting Him with my womb showed lack of faith and therefore was a sin (just as big of a lie as God is someone to fear). As a result of what I had gone through, years later I ditched God all together. I wasn’t about to get any of it right, God had turned His back on me, cursed me with Bipolar Disorder and kicked me to the curb.

Wanna know something funny? As soon as I started to believe that, my illness got the best of me. I spent more and more of my time in deep depression or in a rageful mixed state. I hated my life and what had become of my once sane mind. I hated God for what He had done to me, I turned my back and walked the other way, dipping deeper and deeper into depression.

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That was about a year ago and since then I started praying again. Last week I had some really damaging life events take place and I began to curse God out! I yelled at Him, blamed Him, had a pity party, cried, begged, pleaded, even went as far as to dare Him to prove Himself to me……never once having faith that He would even begin to try. I gave up, rolled over, went to sleep, defeated!

The next morning, those potentially, life damaging events turned around into my favor. Hubs pay was increased and the lost debit card was magically replaced….what had been done was undone and not by human hands. I firmly believe it was done not because God wanted to prove His existence, but because He wanted to prove something even deeper to me.

That He’s ALWAYS been there for me, it was me that turned my back on Him. Believe me, it’s not a mistake I will ever make again. I hope that you can find it in your heart to accept Him as He has always accepted you!

Until next time…..

Becca

Blissful Stability

The last few months have taught me a lot. I’ve learned how to manage my illness without the help of other people. When the depressive thoughts would begin to creep in and tell me how worthless I am, I learned how to counter those thoughts. My brain likes to tell me I can’t do things. It likes to make me believe I’m a horrible mother, horrible wife, that I can’t possibly raise my kids the right way because I have this horrible illness that prevents me to do so.

Back in May I believed all those things. I allowed my illness to get the best of me and for the first few weeks of our new move I spent feeling terribly depressed, borderline suicidal. Outside help wasn’t an option. I was not going to allow myself to be hospitalized the first week here in Utah. I was not going to put my family through that kind of hell again….I knew I needed to pull it together and fast. I just wasn’t sure how. I had people in my face for a good 16 hours out of a day. Before when I felt like this, I had been able to go hide in my bedroom and shut the world out. Hubs was there to pick up the pieces I had broken. But this time around, I had no body.

It wasn’t until I found myself having to fight the monster by myself that I realized having Hubs around was the worse thing for me. It enabled me to have a million excuses to not get better. He was always there to pick up whatever broke pieces I left behind and as a result I was not only failing as a wife and mother, but I was losing the battle. Bipolar was winning and I was laying in bed, passively letting it get the best of me. I had no fighting chance of getting better because it was I who was enabling bipolar to take over my brain and create a monster inside of me. This time around, it was bipolar that was going to lose and I was going to be the one to take it down. And guess what? I did just that.

Every time those negative thoughts would creep it, I’d laugh a little to myself and then I’d counter those thoughts. Often my brain tried to tell me I was ruining my children, then I would tick off all the ways that bipolar was wrong.

My oldest knows how to love people and deeply too, he didn’t learn that on his own. It’s a trait he got from me. When I love someone, it’s not just a little, it’s with everything in me. AC is extremely considerate. He was invited to go on a camping trip with his uncle, grandfather and D. Before he left he had to double-check with me a million times that I was going to be okay. Gitty is extremely outgoing and bright. She does not allow her obstacles to stand in her way. She overcomes them much the same way as I overcome mine. JP is energetic and carefree. 4th of July he ran around our yard yelling “Pop! Pop! Pop!” with his arms flapping up and down, enjoying every part of the fireworks. Macie is scary smart. At the age of 4 she can tell time, count to 100, recognize her numbers to 100, spell not only her name and her family members names, but pop, Pap, Spot, Buddy, Coachmen and a few other ones too. She’s beginning to read and knows her address already. Emmie is sweet and loving and smiles all day and Mollie is a complete different baby with ME in control. She sits in her bouncy and enjoys everyone’s company around her. She smiles and coos and crawls and is just another typical Moorestorms baby….none of my children got to be this way because I’m worthless. They got to be this way because I taught them how to be this way. They are every part of good that is in me and depression is stopped right in its tracks when I stare into the little eyes of my children. They are the windows to my soul and they prove to me that I have 7 perfect reasons to keep on fighting.

So, in an effort to keep fighting, my blog may veer a bit. I don’t have the time to pound out 10+ blog posts a day. I’m too busy being mom, sticking to a routine, playing with and loving my children. I’m too busy enjoying the good times, watching my children play for hours outside, cooking meals, changing diapers, cuddling up with them to read them a story, watching a movie with them or going for a walk by myself. I’m too busy talking about our future with my husband, too busy cuddling with him and enjoying our alone time together. Too busy making plans because now Hubs has an awesome job and we can start saving towards the things we need and want. I’m too busy spending time with my Dad and with my brother when he’s not working. I’m too busy putting my positive thoughts into control and stomping out the negative ones.

One thing I’m not too busy for is to tell you how the fight is going. To blog about my day, or something my children had done, a new recipe we tried and liked or hated, to blog about stable life. I may only get one or two blog posts out a night, after my kiddies are tucked into their beds, but I will try to blog daily. It’s my only outlet, my way of journalling and connecting with other’s who battle like I do. It’s through normal, blah, boring daily life that I hope to show other Bipolar Parent’s that life doesn’t have to be in unstable hell. It can be good, it can be peaceful and the storm brewing in your brain can be calmed……it takes drive, it takes desire, it takes coping skills and support and it takes a great med combo, but it CAN be done!

Until next time…..

Becca♥

The Good Stuff

We got our internet turned back on Friday. Since then I’ve been stumped about what to write. So much time has passed since I posted a real blog entry and within that time a lot of stuff has happened. None of which I care to hash over again. Most of it is depressing and doesn’t offer much in the lines of hope to my readers. At least that’s what I initially thought. The truth is, all of those things are what has brought me to where I am today, which is straight in line with stability. I don’t think I’ll ever know what normal feels like, but then again, who is really normal? No one is. We all have quirks and behaviors that fall outside of what others consider the norm. My quirk just happens to be bipolar. Which I must add here, I have accepted, embraced and am now moving on.

Taking a look back over my posts, I am able to remember why I started this blog in the first place. I wanted to reach out to parents’ who are struggling and give them hope that things won’t always be so glum. When I was depressed, I had a lot to write about. I knew how horrible I felt and wanted to offer words of encouragement to someone else who may have stumbled upon my webpage. I needed to blog about my coping skills so I would not forget to use them. Most of my posts from when I was depressed were extremely therapeutic for me. When manic, I know my posts reflected that side of the pole too. Posts were coming from me 10 or more at a time and I was making more progress than I ever had in my life. It’s during stability that I have a hard time blogging. I mean, what does one blog about when everything is so even on the horizon. Well, I’ll tell you what they blog about.

Life…..they blog about what helps them maintain stability. Maybe what they had for breakfast or what they enjoyed seeing on one of their daily walks. Maybe they blog about a new recipe they tried or like me, a new way of living.

Having bipolar means my finances take a hard hit. When depressed, I could care less about what gets paid. Who in the world cares if they have a roof over their heads when they can’t manage to even get out of bed or get dressed. Who cares if the cable bill is paid….you’re too busy crying into your pillow to watch TV. When manic, I’m too busy spending money to pay bills. I know I’d much rather buy an entire new wardrobe for my kids then actually pay my bills. But today, that all stops! Actually, it stopped about a month ago. Things clicked and the switch went off and I realized that I needed to come up with a plan and stick to it. I needed to figure out how to budget our money and control my spending and I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing it for my kids. How are my children ever going to learn responsibility if their mom can’t keep the finances together? So, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

Bipolar is no excuse for your risky spending habits…..

Now, flame me if you’d like. Go on, tell me you can’t help it, tell me the bipolar takes over, tell me you can’t control it, tell me your spouse has to handle the money because you can’t……once you get it all off your chest I’m here to tell you bullshit! Stop using the darn word can’t and replace it with the word can! Just as you hold on to hope and refuse to let the demon of depression take over you, plunging you into the deepest despair and causing you so much pain you contemplate taking your own life, you will not let the can’t monster take you over either! You can get it under control, you can help it, you can tell bipolar to kiss your ass and then……you can take care of your responsibilities. Sure, your mind is going to try to tell you otherwise. Your brain is going to go all wonky and insist you stay in bed all day rather than exert any kind of energy into paying your bills. Or the mania is going to try to tell you that you are better off buying a new wardrobe because your old one is 6 months old. That’s where you have to come in and have a plan in place, something to kick your brain in to adult mode and do whatever it takes to get control over your finances.

Listen, plain and simple, if you can’t take care of your own money responsibly and someone else has to do it for you, then there is nothing in this world that is going to keep you from needing to have a power of attorney over your life forever. You may be okay with your husband or wife taking care of your money now, but what if the day comes that they aren’t there anymore? Are you going to be okay with your children controlling your money? Or how about if you have no children, do you want a lawyer, or the bank or someone else who has power of attorney over you taking care of your money. Or how about this, stop using bipolar as an excuse and grow up and take care of your own money?

Every aspect of our illness can be managed and with the right coping skills we can control our illness instead of allowing our illness to control us. I encourage you to take a look at my website and find what works for you and then start putting your skills into practice so you don’t have to be treated like a child for the rest of your life.

Until next time….

Becca♥