The movie was absolutely amazing. I love anything Liam is in, but this one was one of my favorites. If you haven’t watched it and you are planning to, I warn you. I’m giving a spoiler here.
One of the men plops down next to a river, his leg was in pretty bad shape. He tells the other guys he is done. When one of the men starts to argue with him, he points straight through the valley towards a mountain in front of him. He knows that in order to go on, to go forward he MUST climb that mountain. He gives up, he can no longer fight on and he says, I’m paraphrasing here, that the mountain is what is right in front of him. That he thinks the mountain is what lies ahead for him, that the mountain is there just for him. That he can’t climb or go another 50ft….he is just done.
That part of the movie hit me straight to the core. I often feel the same way as the guy in the movie. Just as things settle in the valley, straight paths ahead, I can see the mountain, far off in the distance. A mountain too steep to climb. My brain in bad shape, my desire to go on, is gone and I feel as though there is no hope.
But that is the problem with depression. It likes to lie to you, to take control and sap all the hope you could hold onto out of you. It plays tricks on you. For me it typically follows a pattern. First, discouragement, shooting down any hope I have to change the future I have lying ahead of me. That discouragement takes over and rules how I make decisions, choices and often times I take the wrong path because of it. Next comes the worthlessness. This is where I feel as though I’m unworthy of my family’s love and affection because I have already taken so much from them when I was discouraged and during times in the past when I’ve been depressed. After that usually follows hopelessness, when the mountain seems too big to climb. I feel as though all hope is lost and I have nothing to hold onto anymore. Even thoughts of holding on to my family is difficult, because how could they possibly care about someone who has damaged their lives the way I have.
At one time I thought there was a magic pill for this problem of mine. That I could just take something that would make me feel better and all hope would return. It took a year for me to realize that medication only helps to keep me stable, it only helps to keep my mood level, the antipsychotic helps to alleviate some of the paranoia and delusional thinking I experience. So far it has kept that ugly commentary voice away and for quite some time. The truth is though….there is no magic pill. Medication only helps, it’s up to us to do the hard work. We have to find the strength and courage within ourselves to stand up to depression and knock it on its ass. We are in control and sometimes that control comes from just getting out of bed in the morning and demanding that you go on with every day life. That courage comes from doing the things you fear doing because it’s the right thing to do for our families, for our children, for ourselves and for me, for my dog as well.
There is always that small reason to fight. Things in life gets us down, we become depressed, sometimes deep in despair. But the truth is, if we don’t make the decision to combat, then we have already lost the battle Like the man who gave up on living, we too have given up on our own lives and that of the people who care about us.
I don’t want to merely survive. I want to live my life! Create good memories for my children. Offer them experiences I’ve never had and if I’m not willing to take control and stomp depression in its face, then I’m never going to overcome it and it will always define me and the lives of those around me.
Until next time…