30 Days Of Creativity!

I have been inspired by 30 Days Of Creativity, a blog by carlarenee45. In lieu of the fact that I just did a blog post about Creativity, I think this is an awesome idea and I’m more than willing to jump on the bandwagon! Maybe we can get this circulating around and get a few accountability partners going. I haven’t picked my topic just yet. I’m thinking either working on a new creative writing blog, finishing up M&M’s blanket (this will cost money though) or coloring (yes…even coloring on coloring pages can be creative.) I figured I can post my pick come Monday when I start.

We only have 30 days and all entries are due by June 30th! I’m going by carlarenee’s rules here

Maybe we can post pics of our progress or wait until the end and post a finished project. The point isn’t to finish, but to keep working towards our goal of 30 days, which means it doesn’t have to be done every day with our deadline of 6/30! Feel free to use the pic I have pinned above to show you are part of the challenge!

Thank you Carlarenee!!!

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Bipolar and Love

It’s an odd combination and one that I don’t think many of us think are achievable. We allow our dx’s to define us in such a way that we feel unworthy of any kind of love. But it really doesn’t have to be that way. I promise you this!

On May 22, 1999, Hubs and I said those famous words, “In sickness and in health.” I don’t think either of us knew exactly how literal that would be. I’m sure we thought about it in the long-term. When we were both old and feebil and needed to rely on the other one for support and comfort. Maybe during things like the flu, or a cold or maybe even pnemonia…..but I know we never imagined it would come down to mental sickness. I don’t think it would have made any difference to Hubs if he had known then what we know now. After all, he came back AFTER the knife situation.

I’ve learned a few things about Bipolar and Love……if you are with a loving, supportive spouse, your love for one another can blossom during and after times of difficulty. Forgiveness breeds something mystical, something none of us can understand and when a couple has come to a place where they can forgive and still love…..it’s an amazing feeling.

But it wasn’t always that way….there were often times I felt lonely and sad. Trapped within my own head, my own thoughts, my own emotions. Afraid that if I let even my husband know what was going on in there, he would have me committed to the loony bin. I was positive of it, so for years I suffered in silence. That silence built a wall between us, communication started to break down and our marriage was soon in trouble for reasons, that neither of us understood. Soon we weren’t even in the same book let alone the same page. The issue with this, I was so far deep into myself, I couldn’t even recognize it and didn’t understand when things began falling apart.

Within time, we were able to start picking up the pieces. One by one we’d examine it and find the proper place that it fit into, much the same as putting together a puzzle. There were many moments throughout this that I know I dropped my piece, it got lost somewhere among the other millions of small pieces that were gathered in a pile on the floor and it was up to me to have to get on my knees and dig around looking for that piece. There were times, admittedly that I didn’t want to. It was those times that even though I felt I was unworthy of love, my Hubs still loved me and you know what? He got done there and helped me search for the piece that was missing, we’d find its place together and fit it in perfectly.

I learned throughout the years that when I was at my worst, I could take advantage of the love, kindness and patience that had been dished out to me in heaping mounds. That was part of why the wall was built, why the communication broke down. I was unwilling to give any information even though my Husband was willing to give all of himself to me. I learned….I was the selfish spouse and no, this is an area I have not improved in at all, sadly.

One of the greatest lessons I learned was: I can give love even when I’m feeling at my worst. Sometimes, this is better than any med or therapy or relaxation technique I could learn. Just the act of wrapping my arms around the man I love and accepting his love in return is enough to make it all okay, even if it’s just for a few moments in time. Love is about how much you give, not about how much you get and embarrassingly lack in this area. I do not do well at dishing it out, heck at times, I’m not even good at receiving it.

But I forgive myself and I forgive Hubs and I pick myself up and I try to do it again. Because that to me is what a marriage is about, trying, giving when you are able and forgiving the rest……

Whatever Wednesday

My primary focus has and still is about Bipolar Parenting and Bipolar in general. That said, my goal is also to offer my reader’s a glimpse into my life so they can see that someone suffering from a severe Mental Illness can still lead a more stable life. I like to use the word stable as it is a little easier on my brain then the word normal. I’m thinking I’ll use Wednesday’s to catch up on some of the weekly stuff, accountability stuff and exciting news that’s coming up. It may not be just limited to Wednesday’s, but at least I know I have a DAY that I can concentrate on those things if I happen to miss it throughout the week!

Although the day is just beginning here, just a little before 6am, I’ve already done a few things for myself today.

1. Signed up for my own domain through wordpress. I really have no idea what this means other than moorestorms.com is now mine, but yay!
2. Applied for a 6 month apprenticeship program to help better my writing skills and possibly land myself a freelancing job somewhere. Not only is this exciting for obvious reasons, but if accepted, I get a sign on bonus. Both I am completely psyched about.

What I plan to do for myself today:

1. Take a shower….a long one. Put some makeup on and do my hair a little bit. This task is a huge undertaking for me. I struggle daily with putting personal hygiene into my daily life. It’s a motivational thing, but it’s one I need to learn to implement every day. Maybe some of you can offer me accountability here.
2. Write in my personal journal. I love blogging and I love writing online, but it’s time to start putting pen to paper and get the feelings flowing like I used to….and not just today, every day.

What I plan to do for others today:

1. Clean the bathroom – this is for the other 8 people who live in my home.
2. Make dinner
3. Do the dinner dishes

Numbers 2 and 3 Hubs has been taking care of for quite some time. It’s time I get off my tush and help just a little bit.

In other news and yes, it’s exciting, stable news……we are having a birthday party! It has been almost 6 years since we’ve held one for any of our children. Sure, we’ve had our own family, private get togethers’, but not this year! This year, we’re going big again and we’re going to have a bash! Our budget doesn’t really allow for it, but I really wanted to do something special this year and I decided enough was enough and we’re starting with the first birthday of the year, Macie’s! She’ll be turning 4 years old on May 7^th. When I announced we were having a party, she got excited, but I really don’t think she understands what it means for her.

How I can’t wait to see her face light up, her eyes glow when she sees that everyone attending is there…..just for her J How exciting to have a Princess theme and to be able to wear a tiara, a special dress and a bracelet and necklace just for her special day? We will go this week to pick up some of her supplies. The balloons, party dress, cake and food will have to wait until a few days before her party, but it’s all pretty much set in motion. Our guest list is already up to 21!!! This is terribly exciting for all of us.

We have not had a party for our children since my mother passed away. Part of this was because she was always the one to help with the parties. Not financially, but she’d help cook, set up, tear down and clean up. She was my pal around buddy when I was feeling like I needed to get away from the crowd. But it’s time I stop letting my issues get in the way of my children having the childhood they deserve and this is the way we’re going to start. First birthday of the year, first party down for the year!! We’re all so excited!

I hope you can find just Whatever Wednesday thing to look forward to!

Until next time…..

Becca ♥

Should You Have Children When You Have A Severe Mental Illness?

This has been a question raised numerous times, more times than I think should even be allowed. Again, I think a lot of this comes from misinformation and people who are clueless as to how Mental Illness really works and how awesome of an outcome one can have IF proper treatment is in place.

Personally, I was not getting treated properly, but in a weird kind of way, I’m happy, no thrilled for that. Had I been getting treatment, my psychosis would have been under control and I probably wouldn’t have had the 7 awesome kids I do have. I wouldn’t have had 7 reasons to keep on keeping (well, 9 if you count Hubs and the dog), but still…..with treatment in place Moms’ and Dad’s even with severe mental illnesses like Bipolar and Schizophrenia can be wonderful parents.

There was an article posted at jezebel.com that completely and totally disgusted me. I am certainly not promoting a pro-choice stance here, but plain and simple, no judge should have the right to do this to someone just because she has a severe mental illness. The judge tried to use the excuse that her parent’s were already raising her first child. In my opinion, that’s what parent’s do for their children when they know their own child is sick. Had she been diagnosed with something like terminal cancer, would the judge have tried to order the situation the same way? And that’s the point I’m trying to make on my little soap box here. Once a judge is able to do this because of mental illness, soon it’ll be ordered for those with medical illnesses as well and then for those that a judge just doesn’t deem fit to be parents’. It crosses the line……I could only imagine the ramifications had some kind of law like this been in place when I was pregnant with M&M! Okay….done with my rant now.

Back to the topic at hand. Honestly, this is a very personal decision and only a couple can make this decision together. It isn’t something you can seek out an opinion on, because only you know what’s best for you and what you think you can handle. I personally feel that anyone who wants to have children should have children. There’s nothing that should stand in your way, even if it’s Bipolar or Schizophrenia or some other mental illness. All of those can be managed and overcome, allowing you to be the best parent possible!

But what about passing the gene along? My answer to this always is the same, “Look back at your own family history. If there is anyone in your family with heart disease, diabetes, or some other genetically inherited illness, you have the likelihood of passing that gene on to your children. If a medical condition isn’t enough to make you worry about passing on the gene then why are you so worried about a mental illness being passed along?”  Also, just because you have an MI, doesn’t mean your child will have an MI. The chances are about 30%. They may sound like a lot, but you have to consider the opposite side of this. There’s a 70% chance that the child will not inherit your mental illness, which sounds pretty good to me.

Ultimately the choice is yours. Do your research, talk to your pdoc before hand about your treatment and making sure you are stable before you get pregnant. Discuss treatment options and if your meds are safe and what meds you could potentially switch to so you can have a child. And remember to most definitely discuss this with your partner, his or her input matters just as much as how you feel about the situation.

Until next time…..

Becca ♥