Well, in my case the story is a bit odd and as you see it unfold you will see where the delusional thinking came in. It took me till I got to baby #6 how irrational my thinking really was. Somewhere in my wonky brain a light went off and it all seemed to finally make sense.
David was born in 1995 and he had been an only child until AC was born in 2001. Well, we had 2 boys, naturally, I wanted to try for a girl and when we she finally arrived in 2003, I was certain there would be no more children. LA hated me when she was a baby. No matter how hard I tried to bond with her, she’d scream all day until Hubs came home from work. It was not unusual for Hubs to find me sitting on the porch, completely frustrated by my inability to calm this child down. I had never had a problem with the boys’ so I was baffled. I remember one afternoon turning the music up as loud as it would go, sticking on ear against the speaker and blocking my other ear with my finger and I could still hear her. She didn’t want to be held, she didn’t want to be comforted, she had a clean diaper and had just been fed. I plopped her in her car seat, buckled her up and hid outside for the 15 minutes it took for Hubs to get home.
Sometime around the age of 9 months, she began to love me, no love isn’t exactly the correct word, she adored me and I adored her. She was my Baby Girl and I wanted to do for her what my Mom had never done for me. I wanted to play with her hair, play silly girl games with her, dance around the kitchen and just be girlie with her. But I also wanted her to have a sister. About the time her and I began bonding, I found out I was pregnant again. LA was just about 10 months old and I was pregnant with twins, one boy and one girl. Perfect! By the time the babies were to be born, AC would be a little over 3 years old and LA would be just about 18 months old. A boy for AC to pal around with and a girl for LA to be best friends with. Unfortunately, we lost the twins at just 23 weeks into my pregnancy. My dreams were stolen from me (another blog post, for another time.)
After losing the twins, I was certain there would never be another child born into our home. LA was just going to have to live with her Mom being the only other girl in the house. It was around this time that I got heavily involved in the Christian Religion (my post is not about my opinion of religion, it is about how our family ended up having 7 children). I read my Bible every day, memorized verses, went to church every Sunday, dragging my family along with me. I truly believed that every word written in the Bible was a message to me. It was also during this time Hubs stumbled upon some TLC show featuring large families that had put their faith in God to decide how many children they should have. He thought they were crazy, I thought God was talking to me.
That night I was talking to my sister-in-law who was also a hard-core Christian. I had mentioned to her that Hubs and I were going back to church, that he felt God wanted us to do that and she was thrilled, stating that God would speak through my husband before he would speak to me. This only confirmed that God was using ways to communicate with me. After watching a segment about these families…..I started having conversations with God and I believed whole heartedly that he was speaking to me, directly. Not through TV shows, or the Bible, or my Hubs or through my Pastor, but to me. That he had a special message for me, a special purpose and if I did not abide by his rules, not only would I burn in hell, but so would the souls of my children and my Hubs.
So, I listened and soon I was the one giving up birth control and “trusting” God to provide for me anyway he deemed fit. Everything seemed to be holding truth. In 2006, I became pregnant with JP, another boy. But at this point, it didn’t matter, because God told me I had to continue building an army for him. The army had to be strong to fight during end times and it was my responsibility to make sure that happened. Soon after in 2008 I gave birth to Macie, I now call her my mini-me. She’s the only one with my color hair, my eye color and my skin color. But Macie had medical issues, she was born with traceomalcia and was getting treatment through a specialist 2 hours away. Between Macie and Emmie, I had 2 miscarriages. I was then told by God this happened because I didn’t trust him enough to help Macie….I had doubted him, so I needed punishment. Come 2010 and I was pregnant once again with Emmie. She was an absolute gift in my mind and my heart. With how content and happy she was, no mother could ever complain about such a baby. She was never demanding and only fussed when she was hungry and fell asleep most times by herself.
Something must have clicked here, because after her birth, the irrational thinking stopped, I had no more deluded thoughts, no more “convos” with God and I had decided she was it, she would be the baby forever and there would be no more. Everything was set in place for me to get my tubal around 6 weeks post-partum, except I found out…..I was pregnant again.
My thought process was much different then those that actually trust God to their wombs. My thoughts were deluded in the fact that I believed I was receiving personal messages and conversations from God himself. The others’ probably truly believe in what they believe in or they would have most likely stopped long before they got to have 10+ children, or at least I hope so.
I do not in any way regret having any of my 7 children. They are my world, my life and the reason I get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. They are the sunshine beyond the clouds. It’s the delusions that I regret……I loathe the fear that came with believing I was special enough that God would speak directly to me, but not in a loving, directional, compassionate way, but a demeaning, damning sort of way. It’s the latter part of it that helps to know now that his voice was not HIS voice at all, but a delusion from my psychosis.
Isn’t it odd that most of us that have had a psychotic episode, they are typically based around religion?? I think this is something for me to do a little research into and at another time write a post as to why that may be.
Until next time…..